This is the time of year when witches cast magic spells and the walking dead mingle among the living. It is a time for delicious treats, and tricky TRICKS. One of the nastiest tricksters of them all, is the pumpkin.
Seemingly innocent, these burnt hue evil doers wreck havoc on your neighbors porches, in your once beautiful garden… and IN OUR PIES! We can’t just allow this to happen. WE WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS ATROCITY! And I know just how to take care of them.
Like any diabolical creature, you cannot just sit idly by while they grow bigger in numbers and in size. And the proper weapons must be used to rid us of their EVIL! Can’t attack without KNOWLEDGE! What happens if you set fire to a zombie? YOU HAVE A FLAMING ZOMBIE RUNNING AFTER YOU! Don’t make that mistake with the PUMPKIN! I have been studying and documenting the baneful malignant squash for some time now. And have just the solution.
YOU CAN RUN YOU PERNICIOUS PUMPKINS – But you CAN NOT hide…
First things first. Grab the nasty PIE PUMPKINS from their safe beds, rip the cocky little stem hats from their noggins and split them down their centers.
Remove the thready organs and pumpkin roe. (You can save the roe (seeds) for a salty roasted snack…)
Lightly coat its repugnant meaty tissue with some peanut oil and flip so the foul flesh side is up.
NOW! We must act quickly! SLIDE the PAN of chopped up PUMPKIN of DOOM into a terribly hot FURNACE OF HELL-TITUDE (an oven pre-heated to 325° will do the trick) and SLAM the door closed.
Breathe deep my friend, but do not relax, your job is not yet finished. You must wait for at minimum of one hour for the calamitous gourd to submit. Only then will it be safe to remove them from the fire. Note: you MUST under ALL CIRCUMSTANCES ignore their SCREAMS and PLEAS for compassion. They will eat your eyeballs out of your HEAD if you open the oven any sooner then ONE HOUR!
Once you remove the pumpkin from the fire, you must let it sit and cool off a bit. It will be insanely pissed off at this point and might try and BURN you with its venom.
Once cool, drag a 3 to 4 pronged metal instrument of skinning (perhaps a fork or grapefruit spoon…) across its warm tissue to remove it from its flesh. Yes, it will smell very good at this point but do not be lured into its trap. It uses a “fresh baked pie” smell to lull you into a false sense of security. Don’t fall for it.
Once you have removed all the meat from the flesh, take it and put it into a whirly-gig of blade and sword!!
Or maybe a food processor. Which-ever is more convenient for you.
Cover the processor and CHOP away at the corrupt squash meat till a nice puree has formed. You may need to add a touch of water to help this process along. Add little bits slowly so it doesn’t spit it back at you.
Once you have achieved that rancorous puree, pour it into a cheese cloth lined sieve to strain out any poisonous liquids that remain.
Wrap and squeeze gently yet with enough force to show it that YOU are BOSS and YOU do NOT MESS AROUND!
Let it sit like this for about 30 minutes, wrapping it a little tighter ever so often.
Then make haste and jar or bag and freeze the petulant pumpkin puree till you decide a use for it.
Now go, friends, and share this wealth of knowledge I have given you and STAND TALL against PUMPKIN TYRANNY!
Oh by the way… if you haven’t voted for Me and Jeff in the MOST INSANE BLOGGER EVAHHHHHHHH… then you better. Or I’ll send the Squash Squad after you…