Seemingly innocent, these burnt hue evil doers wreck havoc on your neighbors porches, in your once beautiful garden… and IN OUR PIES! We can’t just allow this to happen. WE WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS ATROCITY! And I know just how to take care of them.

Like any diabolical creature, you cannot just sit idly by while they grow bigger in numbers and in size. And the proper weapons must be used to rid us of their EVIL! Can’t attack without KNOWLEDGE! What happens if you set fire to a zombie? YOU HAVE A FLAMING ZOMBIE RUNNING AFTER YOU! Don’t make that mistake with the PUMPKIN! I have been studying and documenting the baneful malignant squash for some time now. And have just the solution.

YOU CAN RUN YOU PERNICIOUS PUMPKINS – But you CAN NOT hide…

First things first. Grab the nasty PIE PUMPKINS from their safe beds, rip the cocky little stem hats from their noggins and split them down their centers.

Remove the thready organs and pumpkin roe. (You can save the roe (seeds) for a salty roasted snack…)

Lightly coat its repugnant meaty tissue with some peanut oil and flip so the foul flesh side is up.

NOW! We must act quickly! SLIDE the PAN of chopped up PUMPKIN of DOOM into a terribly hot FURNACE OF HELL-TITUDE (an oven pre-heated to 325° will do the trick) and SLAM the door closed.

Breathe deep my friend, but do not relax, your job is not yet finished. You must wait for at minimum of one hour for the calamitous gourd to submit. Only then will it be safe to remove them from the fire. Note: you MUST under ALL CIRCUMSTANCES ignore their SCREAMS and PLEAS for compassion. They will eat your eyeballs out of your HEAD if you open the oven any sooner then ONE HOUR!

Once you remove the pumpkin from the fire, you must let it sit and cool off a bit. It will be insanely pissed off at this point and might try and BURN you with its venom.

Once cool, drag a 3 to 4 pronged metal instrument of skinning (perhaps a fork or grapefruit spoon…) across its warm tissue to remove it from its flesh. Yes, it will smell very good at this point but do not be lured into its trap. It uses a “fresh baked pie” smell to lull you into a false sense of security. Don’t fall for it.

Once you have removed all the meat from the flesh, take it and put it into a whirly-gig of blade and sword!!

Or maybe a food processor. Which-ever is more convenient for you.

Cover the processor and CHOP away at the corrupt squash meat till a nice puree has formed. You may need to add a touch of water to help this process along. Add little bits slowly so it doesn’t spit it back at you.

Once you have achieved that rancorous puree, pour it into a cheese cloth lined sieve to strain out any poisonous liquids that remain.

Wrap and squeeze gently yet with enough force to show it that YOU are BOSS and YOU do NOT MESS AROUND!

Let it sit like this for about 30 minutes, wrapping it a little tighter ever so often.

Then make haste and jar or bag and freeze the petulant pumpkin puree till you decide a use for it.

Now go, friends, and share this wealth of knowledge I have given you and STAND TALL against PUMPKIN TYRANNY!

Oh by the way… if you haven’t voted for Me and Jeff in the MOST INSANE BLOGGER EVAHHHHHHHH… then you better. Or I’ll send the Squash Squad after you…

How did you find me? I thought I did such a good job of packing and leaving in the middle of the night… yet here you are. Hmm. You are very sneaky. Actually I have never been happier then to see your smiling faces here reading my gripping tome… Actually I should say – OUR tome. Did you notice that? Did ya? Did ya did ya??? I have become a we… He became a we. And I bet you never even noticed.

You may recall I entered into a search for the perfect Bread Bakers Apprentice Challenge assistant. He needed a healthy supply of flour, fresh yeast and mad kneading skills. And folks… ha haa let me tell you – I only got ONE application. ONE! Sigh. Anyway, when we finally introduced our Kitchen Aids to one another we wasted no time baking our first breads. English Muffins & Corn Bread. And mmm they were so yummy, that I decided to hire on this assistant. And ya know – keep him. (It helped he has a killer bootie…)

We are both pretty savvy in the kitchen, but his kitchen is kinda small, and mine is microscopic! Needless to say… cooking together is usually an adventure. As is grilling, gardening, eating and drinking and most everything else we do. It has all been full of so much mockery fun that we decided to share it with you.

Aren’t you lucky…

Of course the first post here wouldn’t be a true post without a yummy goodie attached am I right? So just in time for Thanksgiving, I give you:

Carrot, Cranberry & Pumpkin Muffins with Cream Cheese Scribble.

Preheat oven to 400°.

Ingredients:

Muffins
1 1/2 cups AP flour
1/2 cup sugar
1 t baking soda
1 t baking powder
1 1/2 t cinnamon
1/4 t ground ginger
1/4 t nutmeg
1/2 t salt
1/4 c vegetable oil
1 cup pumpkin puree
2 eggs
1 t vanilla
2/3 c shredded carrot
1/2 cup dried cranberries

Frosting:
8 oz cream cheese – softened
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 T milk

In a bowl combine the first eight ingredients and set aside.

In the bowl of your KitchenAid (or whatever other mixer you have but realllly – don’t you think it is time to hint hint for say a KitchenAid for a simply WONDERFUL holiday gift?? Hmmm) Combine the oil, pumpkin, eggs and vanilla until creamy. Add the carrot and cranberries. Then add the dry ingredients slowly till just combined.

Line your muffin tins with paper and spray. (They will stick to the paper otherwise…) Fill 2/3 -3/4 full of the muffin mixture.

Bake for 15-20 minutes or until golden brown.

Allow to cool. While cooling take 8oz of softened cream cheese and whip the heck out of it. Add 1/2 cup of sugar and 1 T of milk.

I then take the cream cheesy goodness and put it in a baggie, cut the tip off the end to create a make-shift decorating bag – and tada get to decorating.

This part is simple.

Zig zag frosting on a muffin.

Squeeze frosting in mouth.

Zig zag frosting on another muffin.

Squeeze more frosting into mouth.

Repeat as necessary.

I hope you all completely enjoy your Thanksgiving holiday surrounded by good friends and loving family. I will be spending mine with my family fir the FIRST time in over 9 years and I could not be more elated if I tried.